Childhood Phobia Confronted

Anxiety disorders can be mild, moderate or severe.  Some people have a mild form of anxiety called social anxiety and they are called shy by most people.  Other people have a moderate form of anxiety and they ruminate about things, occasionally lose sleep due to worries or lose their appetite due to worries.  Then there’s Chase. He has the type of anxiety called a phobia.  Phobias are usually a severe form of anxiety in which a person has an irrational fear of something, someone or some place.  Because of their fear, they either avoid people places or things associated with that thing or they try to get something such as comfort or security from other people to help them deal with it.

Chase has Phasmophobia, which is a fear of ghosts and Achluophobia, which is a fear of darkness. In addition Chase has a sleep disorder in which he falls asleep but doesn’t stay asleep.  When I started to recognize that Chase had these problems we sought counseling to help him.  Over the years, we tried moving his sleeping bag out of our room bit by bit, redecorating his room so that it looked really soothing and happy, trying to motivate him with a reward system, taking away nintendos or t.v. time, and more.  He continues to sneak in our room once we are asleep and lay on the floor until he falls asleep. When he was younger he had asthma so bad that our doctor told us that we couldn’t force him to stay in his room because he would scream and cry so bad that it would trigger his asthma to the point that he couldn’t breath.

Well, we brought in the back up troops a few weeks ago.  We found out about a terrific counselor, named David Shobe, who works out of people’s homes with families.  Kind of like “The Nanny”, but no television crews and no British accent. After gathering enough information from us, David determined that Chase copes with his fear by avoiding the dark and avoiding things that cause him to think about ghosts. He then taught us that in order for Chase to cope with his phobia on his own he would have to confront the thing that he is afraid of on a regular basis until he is able to feel comfortable being face to face with them.  It wasn’t something that we hadn’t thought of but David’s support and coaching was invaluable in this case.  He asked Chase to explain to him what happens when he jumps into a pool full of cold water and Chase told him that his body acclimated to the temperature of the pool after he had been in it for a while.  Then David, asked Chase what happened to his body when he got out of the pool and then jumped back in and Chase again explained the process of acclamation.  This proved to be invaluable in Chase’s ability to interpret his behavior and in his ability to change his behavior.  He was able to make the connection that the longer he could stay in his room the more acclimated he would become and eventually he would not mind sleeping in his room.

David advised us to come up with a reward chart to help Chase to reach his goals.  He told us to start out asking Chase to stay in his room for ten minutes four or five times a day. He also told us that instant gratification and praise was critical to Chase’s success.  He reminded us that criticism and yelling were only going to produce more anxiety in Chase and so it was counterproductive to do these things.  We were supposed to sit down with Chase and come up with a reward that he could achieve after he earned nine stickers on his chart.  For every ten minutes he spent in his room with the door shut he would get a sticker and once he earned nine stickers he would get a reward.  For his reward Chase decided that he wanted scary Halloween decorations.

We set off on our new project with Chase.  I made a chart and bought some stickers and as soon as I got it set up, Chase’s younger sister Mary saw it and said, “I want to play too.”  I knew we had to make a chart for her also.  Mary is the child that really doesn’t have anything that she really needs to improve so it took us a while to come up with a plan for her to exercise for five minutes and that would earn her a sticker. The reward that she wanted was a new pair of TOMS. Now this was getting expensive, but I knew we needed to help our son because he told us that he thought it would help his self-esteem if he learned how to sleep in his own room.

The first few times that we asked Chase to go to his room with the door shut he was reluctant but he did it and he was pleased when he got a sticker.  We purposely started in the morning when it was light outside so that he could build some confidence in himself that he could indeed stay in his room with the door shut.

Well, the day did turn into night just like usual and Chase began to get nervous going places without his sister or another person in the house near him.  I began to wonder how he was going to react to being shut in his room while it was dark outside.  After pizza, homework and a shower it was time to test out the night-time shut in.

When I told him that it was time to do his ten minutes in his room he said,  “No way, I’m not doing that! I hate this rule.  This is a stupid rule.”  Thank goodness we had David to blame.  We told him that it was part of our plan with David and that he was going to have to do it or else he would get something taken away.  After a lot of encouragement he finally conceded, but once he was inside his room and the door was shut the drama began.  He started escalating, which we were warned about and prepared for. He started yelling that we were stupid, that we didn’t love him, that we were traumatizing him, that we were the meanest parents ever, and on and on. Then he began to throw things at the door. I don’t know what they were but they were heavy things.  I continued to keep the door locked and at the end of the ten minutes his dad and I praised him and gave him a sticker and he pouted and ignored us.

The next day we did the whole routine again and when night-time came he protested a little bit but he took some things into his room to comfort himself and he lasted the whole ten minutes without escalating.  We have been doing this for about three weeks and he is already able to spend thirty minutes in his room with the door shut before bedtime!  Our house is going to be the spookiest Halloween house in the neighborhood but it will be worth it when he is able to sleep through the night in his own bed.

I hope this will help anyone else out there that has a child with a phobia.

How to Respond to a Bully

I attended a “stop bullying” workshop this weekend with my eleven year old son and my eight year old daughter. In the class the leaders taught the children that there were all types of bullies. They said that there were fat bullies, thin bullies, tall bullies short bullies, girl bullies, boy bullies, adult bullies, and child bullies, but all bullies were insecure. The leaders also suggested that most bullies want attention, and that most bullies don’t feel good about themselves. Below are the tips that I learned from the workshop and that I thought were the most realistic for an anxious child to apply to their own situations.

1. Ignore the person who is bullying you.  This one was my favorite because this tactic takes the wind out of the bully’s sail. The leaders of the workshop acted out a possible bullying scenario and it was funny to watch what happens to the bully in a situation like this. The victim pretended not to hear the bully and walked away and all of a sudden the bully was the one that looked uncomfortable and insecure. This tactic works even better if there are people around because the other people will all be staring at the bully which will add to his or her discomfort.

2. Agree with the bully. If the bully tells you that your are fat agree with them by saying something like, “Yeah, I am getting fat I need to stop eating so many lucky charms.” The bully will be stumped and will learn that he can not bring you down.  Most bullies want you to feel as insecure as they do. When they realize that they can’t do that to you they will pick on someone else.

3. Laugh at yourself. If the bully laughs because you tripped, make fun of how you looked when you tripped. The bully doesn’t win.

4. Call out to a friend or an adult that you see. It brings attention to yourself and will cause the bully to stop.

5. At a last resort take a defensive stance and make a lot of noise about it. This will tell the bully that you mean business.

After the class my small fair-haired daughter wore her stop bullying t-shirt everywhere we went and I saw people read her shirt and smile. Even the biggest toughest looking boys looked at her with respect. She was oblivious to people’s reactions but I was not and I saw how much respect she got by wearing that opinionated shirt. She radiated confidence.

Ten Questions You Need to Ask Your Anxious Child

Sometimes we ask ourselves the question, “What is wrong with my child?  Why does my child seem different than other children?”  It may seem like our child is struggling with making friends or with adjusting to new surroundings but we just can’t put our finger on why. There are some questions that you can ask your child that can help you to determine if your child needs to see a professional. 

To find out if your child might need help coping with anxiety you can ask the following questions.  If the answers to these questions are mostly yes, then you will want to take your child to see a counselor.

1. Do you feel like your heart races sometimes? When? Ask them to pay attention to when this happens and then let you know what they find out.

2. Does your face feel hot and/or get red sometimes? When?

3. Do you hate feeling like something is out of your control? If so tell me about that.

4. Do you have nightmares more than once a week?

5. Do you find it hard to talk to people at school? Do you keep your hand down instead of raising it when you know the answer to a question?

6. Are you afraid of hurting other peoples feelings? If yes, give me an example of a time when you didn’t say something to someone because you were afraid of hurting thier feelings?

7. Are there things that you wish you could do but you don’t do them because you are afraid to? If yes, what are these things?

8. When you get angry at me for asking you to do something is it because you fear that you won’t be able to do it? Or because you fear that it will be too difficult for you to do?

9. Do you get stomach aches and/or headaches?  Do they happen more when you think about something specific? If yes, tell me about that.

10. Do kids at school pick on you?  If yes, tell me about it?

Just by asking these questions you are opening up the door to conversation between you and your child.  When you respond to your child try to use the words, “I understand how you could feel that way, or that makes sense.”  Try to avoid statements like, “You should be more _____.  or Why don’t you just ______.”  Children with anxiety can feel like they are inadequate if they are unable to meet your expectations or follow your advice.  Instead of giving advice ask your child what they think would help them.  Consider taking your child to see a counselor who can teach your child coping skills to use when their anxiety gets to them. Your child will be more willing to come to you with concerns if they feel like you will listen to them. 

Take Care. Vivian